Firefoxes journal

JFLI

2009-05-11T06:08:05Z

It's so funny to me how you and everyone else always "predict" all of these wonderful things that are going to happen to me. You even all have dates. But you know whats even funnier? The fact that your ALWAYS wrong. Always. I always enjoy hearing from you , but I just wish that for once if you were going to send me a horoscope you could send me one that's true, and not just something you made up to get money from me that I already told you I don't have. I don't expect my life to be spectacular, I don't believe in love because it doesn't last, and money is not an issue, or priority yo me. I'm not that kind of person. The most important thing to me is discovering my true purpose in life, fulfilling it, and moving on to the next plain of exsistence. That's all if you can help me with that then I'll be happy, but stop building my hopes up with fantasies that you and I both know are't going to come true, and stop offering me help that I can't afford, or pay for. I live with my mom I'm 19, and the money I get goes towards mostly food because my parents are divorced and my mom doesn't cook. Everyone keeps making these predictions and judgments on my character expecting me to be some great person and I'M NOT. I'm really not. I like to read I want to live in space and travel to different planets because I have an unexplainable and undying love for space life and travel, but that's not possible. I thought it might have something to do with my past life, butI'm the only person I know that can't be regressed, and I have tried. I can meditate because I can't focus on one thing long enough to get the flow going, I feel like my past religion is a lie, and the greatest joy I expect to experience in my life is dying. There isn't much of anything else that I hope for. My soul feels so tired, and I just don't feel like I have the will to do anything. I'm this young and I already feel like it's time for me to lay down and die. I'm so detached and uncaring towards everything and I don't have the will to care. Don't get me wrong I'm not suicidal at all infact I'm still hoping for life to prove me wrong. But everything just feels like a been there done that why bother routine. Know one understands me or even tries to, and even then I don't care. I don't know. I'm not even mad at you your anyone... I guess I'm just so tired. I'm waiting for something new and everytime you send me a message I'm hoping to get that but I never do. It's always the same thing "LUCK, LOVE, AND MONEY". Love requires trust which I'm unwilling to give for good reasons, and money is a physical obssesion that I feel the world would be better without. You know most wars are based on money and religion. Not that money is a bad thing to have It's just not the most important thing to me. I hope you read this because I'd love a response. I hope you don't feel put off or anything. i guess I just felt like venting lol and your mail judt happened to be in my box. Sorry please don't take it personally I'm not trying to be rude, I guess I'd just feel better if you said you understood how I felt. You don't have to if you replied that would be more than enough. It would be unfair to put all of my worries or issues on one person you know. i guess I mostly just felt like typing =)

--- On Sun, 5/10/09, pasqualina@pasqualina.com <pasqualina@pasqualina.com> wrote:

Wishes from a magic rock

2009-05-10T22:13:07Z

10 wishes Wish 1 wake up 60 pounds lighter tomorrow Wish 2 win 1 billion dollars wish 3 gradguate by tommarow wish 4 no more scars wish 5 global warming is reversed wish 6 talent in all forms of martial arts and swordsman ship wish 7 my mom would stop asking me evil questions lol jk but seriously though I wish we could travel to different planets like in Star Trek Wish 8 planet x wouldn't come to this part of our solar system for another 12,000,000,000,000.0000000000000009345312 years wish 9 the government would tell us all there secrets and stop being corrupt and evil, wish 10 no child would ever go sad scared or hungry or abused ever again no matter what part of the world we live in

Hope

2008-07-07T23:53:37Z

What gives you hope for your future? How about hope for your world's future? Is hope hard to maintain?

View 500 Answers

I don't have A writers block I've just been posting in other journals and blogs. This ones my favorite though. My hope for the future is to become rich and powerful, so I can use that power towards helping others who really need it, and stopping global warming, and giving away enviromentally friendly homes and cars, and making sure they build more enviromenatlly friendly homes. My drive is to help peple without them worrying about having to pay for the help they need. I just want the world to be a better place, and even if it meant I had to die before I see I want to die knowing that I did something to elp someone else whether or not they remember me for it. If I can do that than nothing would make me happier. I haven't given up hope though sometimes it seems easier that way, hope is all I have, and without it we might as well give up on the world as we know it!

firefox09 @ 2008-02-12T12:23:00

2008-02-12T20:24:22Z

I hate it you know when people talk of things in past tense as if it hasn't all ready happened.
The world is coming to it's end, but... hasn't it already?

I ate a toothbrush because I'm good in bed

2007-07-11T03:24:27Z

Oh I am so sick and tired of waiting
and people trying to save me
I can save my self

And I Don't need to hold your hand
Don't need anyone to understand
The way i feel inside

If I have any problems
you will be the last know

And I dont' need any one
I can do bad all by myself

So I don't care what people say
I will show them someday

Fake is the smile on all your faces
As you stare when I walk in the room

You lie When you say that you wish me the best
Pretend you not just like the rest
But I see through your little charade

But all I know is that you never knew me
And you never took the time

And I dont' need any one
I can do bad all by myself

So I don't care what people say
I will show them someday

One mistake and all the lies
Your not a friend of mine
You never took the time

Didn't think that I could see
All the times you tried to change me
But now what do you say right now

I don't need your hand
don't need your help

And I dont' need any one
I can do bad all by myself

So I don't care what people say
I will show them someday

And I hope you know
Hope you know I
never liked you anyway

Say goodbye

2007-07-07T17:54:09Z

Hello Hello, Hello Hello

You can't hear me

Hello Hello Hello hello

When I call to you, you
don't know I'm there

I'm standing, just waiting here
In all the colors of my mind just waiting

Can you feel me, hear me calling

Oh I'm not really hear
This is just my shadow
Since I can't ask you why
Instead I'll say goodbye
Let's just say goodbye

I feel myself slowly fading away
But the feeling serene
Still there is so many things I want to say
And I wonder

Why I am falling
I'm drifting through the sky
My spirit is wondering
Now I'm flying

Oh this feeling is not real
I am just a wanderer
i realize this thought
I feel I'm going under

Oh I'm not really hear
This is just my shadow
Since I can't ask you why
Instead I'll say goodbye
Let's just say goodbye

Blood seeping through my shirt
i feel my self slipping away
Gasping for air but I know

I see the light
My life's flashing before my eyes
I see you looking at me and I know

Your the reason I'm not here
This is not a dream I had

Oh this feeling is not real
I am just a wanderer
i realize this thought
I feel I'm going under

Oh I'm not really hear
This is just my shadow
Since I can't ask you why
Instead I'll say goodbye
Let's just say goodbye

So let's just say goodbye

firefox09 @ 2007-07-01T10:30:00

2007-07-01T17:33:18Z

I can't breath. My chest feels tight, like it's gonna implode, and it hurts. I can't make it stop, and I can't stop crying I feel like I'm falling off the face of the earth. My throat is squeezing tears out of me, and no matter how hard I try I can't hold them back. I feel like I'm gonna crack from the pressure, and I'm scared of what might happen if I do. I can't..

Inspiration

2007-06-05T02:00:04Z

There's know one who can make it on there own.
I should know I tried before
I can't make it all alone

Tried to convince my self
I didn't need nobody else But it get so hard to be stronge

because

Everybody needs a hero
Atleast one time in there life
But if you can make it own your own
What's the point if you end up alone

Told myself I didn't need a friend
but on the inside I was still cryin

I pushed myself way to hard
But in the end I'd just broken apart

I didn't want to admit that I didn't think I could make it
that's when a voice spoke to me and said

Everybody needs a hero
Atleast one time in there life
But if you can make it own your own
What's the point if you end up alone

Everybody needs a hero
Atleast one time in there life
But if you can make it own your own
What's the point if you end up alone

firefox09 @ 2007-05-14T12:42:00

2007-05-14T20:03:06Z

I try so hard
I tried so hard
To be anything I want
But you won't let me

All I ever wanted really meant nothing
You wanted me to be like you
You formed me into a shape That you cosidered perfect
I feel stupid because I let you

But what about what I wanted
Who I wanted to be
Does it matter to you
It doesn't matter to me anymore
It doesn't matter to me anymore

I'll spend my life in a suit and a tie
Conforming to society
I'll do what I don't want to be accepted
And so you don't disown me

I'll fake a smile
and choke a laugh you know
If that's what it takes

I don't wanna embarrass you anymore

I'll spend my life in a suit and a tie
Conforming to society
I'll do what I don't want to be accepted
And so you don't disown me

I'll spend my life in a suit and a tie
Conforming to society
I'll do what I don't want to be accepted
And so you don't disown me

All I want is 4 U 2 love love me so...

I'll spend my life in a suit and a tie
Conforming to society
I'll do what I don't want to be accepted
And so you don't disown me

I'll spend my life

I'll spend my life

I'll spend my life

I'll spend my life

I'll spend my life

I'll spend my life

I'll spend my life if that's how you want me.....

What it is to be broken

2007-03-21T04:16:08Z

My soul weeps for it has known great pain
My heart cries for it has known betrayel

I cry inwardly
I hold my breath

I remember to smile, but I forget to breath

I will not be broken

I feel like crying, I want to scream
I feel like dying

I want to drown my self in my sorrows

To strong to cry, to meek to scream
To weak to die

I won't be broken

remembering to smile yet forgetting to breath

every breath is filled with exasperation
Every sigh filled with sorrow

Know longer will I allow myself to feel so broken

Even if I have to hold my breath to fake a smile

One day I will smile for real
One day I will not be so broken

My Hearts song

2007-01-16T06:54:36Z

My heart is burning a hole through my chest
My face is tear stricken
Everything seems so hopeless
I want it all to end

Just end it all now
before it's to late
I feel like I can break any moment now
like a glass doll

I've fallen off the shelf
left there on the ground
I pick up the shattered pieces of glass
That was my heart

I can smell the blood on my hands
The murder of my emotion
I feel nothing
I am not at peace

I am broken
I just want to fall off the shelf
don't pick me up
give up now

My heart is burning a hole through my chest
My face is tear stricken
Everything seems so hopeless
I want it all to end

Woo

2007-01-15T06:23:48Z

Emo No I didn't make this I got it off of Deviant art, but I love this picture and I want you to see it so Ha. Here's the song I was tellin you about lovely!

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought wed get to see forever
But forevers gone away
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I dont know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where weve been
And what weve been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope its worth all the wait
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And Ill take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And Ill take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

She said it's over

2007-01-15T04:26:00Z

Take me break me
Into peices
Break me down
Break me down

Make me cry
Make me scream
Make me hate you
I don't wanna feel this

I don't wanna love you
I don't wanna hurt you
But your affection makes me wanna hate you

Give me a reason to not want to love
Break me down
Give me a reason

I don't want you to love me
I don't want your affection
I feel like I'm going to suffocate

My lungs are burning
I want to feel pain

Make me hate you so badly
Make me feel good for not loving you

Take me break me
into peices
Break me down
break me down

The pain pulling at my heart strings

2007-01-05T05:47:07Z

A dull but noticable throb, pulling at my heart strings.
What is this unrecognizable pain inside me
What is this incomplete feeling.

Surely it can not be lonliness,
for I am devoid of such sad emotions
Surely it can't be longing
How can you long for something in which you don't believe

And why should I, know one ever gave me a reason to

It comes and it goes as it pleases,
But it never lasts
Like the wind it flows free,
And only to those worthy

Never me, neither have I seen it,
So how can I long for it
I don't know what it is
But I know that It hurts

This I have seen

It's cruel, merciless, and heartbreaking
What fool would long for such a thing
Surely I am not such a fool

I haven't updated in 4ever

2006-12-21T06:53:14Z

Omfg I am sooooooo effin bored. It's a concert on Friday. I'm gonna see if I can get money for new clothes or something. I need them. Ichanged my room around. Yeah.

Woe Cries the moon

2006-11-18T07:50:14Z

Woe Cries the moon, as daylight comes to pass amidst a blinding wind, Even in the darkest of places may a sliver of light shine upon us

By Melon Anne Devral

Shadows creeping silently
Willows weeping in the dark
sadness seems to carry in the wind
Hearts that blend in a once perfect unison
Now so empty, so alone.

Woe cries the moon

Not everything is black and white
Roses perfect this once sorrowful place
The dawn of a new day brings forth new hope

As daylight comes to pass

Mourning seems to fill this place,
Such a bitter sorrow.
Seems not everything is as perfect as we wish.
Hope seems blown away

Amidst a blinding wind

The chance for a new tommarow
What our sorrowful hearts pray for
Make it better than before
Don't waste it this time

As steps of wisdom bring
A new light, let's hope for a better tommarow

Even in the darkest abyss
May a sliver of light recognize
Our blending souls...

firefox09 @ 2006-11-15T23:44:00

2006-11-16T06:44:20Z

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Music Codes - MySpace Layouts

There's a big gaping hole where my heart used to be

2006-11-15T06:50:40Z

I think I'm really scared. Everyone seems to see something that I don't think is there. I have every right to express myself emotionally, but the thought of actually ever opening up to anyone is terrifying to me. I know that at anytime they can use any given information against me. Last time I really honestly opened up about how I felt, it wasn't even her Idea to puit me away. I couldn't function properly in school so I had to get pulled out several times. Even before I moved here almost 7 years ago my parents and teachers alike talked about having me institutionalized. So what was I supposed to do. If I told anyone how I felt then they wouldn't understand, so I just didn't talk. Now 2 psychiatrists, and 4 counselers later I find myself in a similar rut. I'm still afraid. Now more so then ever. Now I get sad and angry like any other normal functioning person, but in my position it's like if I do, say, or write anything to exspress myself, or just because, it's a cry for help, and attention. I have to watch everything I say or do that might seem weird or different, just because of what happened then I have to suffer for it now, and I'm not safe no mattter what I do. I have to always guard myself. I mean yeah of course I get sad at times, but my brother told me that if I didn't express myself more then in the end it wouldn't be very good. He was right, I know he was because it was bad. But still how can I talk when every word I say, everything I do can be used as evidence against me to prove my so called insanity. I have every right to be afraid, and to hide myself because know one ever gave me a reason not to....

Love

2006-11-13T23:07:53Z

I don't believe in love
You don't hurt me

If, if you love someone
They can hurt you

But how can one say I love you
That I'm always thinking of you
But then they turn around and hurt you
That's just not right

So I can't say that I ever
Want to love, but
I won't say never
And I know nothing lasts forever

But love doesn't last at all

If, if you want to see love
Then go to the cinema
It's only ten bucks to get in

Lets get real now
cause love is just
A fairytale

I want to fall in love, but
How can when there's nos uch thing
I want love like you see in movies
But how can I

So I can't say that I never
Want to love
And that I too want to be loved

Nothing lasts forever, but love

Doesn't last at all.

Bleeding Hearts

2006-11-13T22:53:20Z

Screaming, screaming, screaming, screaming
Don't pretend that you can't hear me
How can you just act like you don't care

Calling, calling, calling, calling
Pretend that you don't see falling
When all I want is you to know I'm there

Can't you see that I'm fading
Away and
Constantly antisapating the day
That you will see me there

Notice me, notice me
Tell me that I'm not invisible

Touch me, touch me
Let me know I'm something physical

I just need the proof of my exsistance
So that I know I'm there

We can work on who I am later
Cause right now I just don't care

Hold me, hold me
I wanna know that I can feel again

Feeling, feeling
The warmth of your skin

Staying, staying, staying, staying
I'm the one that's always waiting
In the distance
Where I'm left behind

Finding, finding, finding, finding
In my mind I'm always looking
When I'm done there's nothing left to find

Can't you see that my hearts
Bleeding away
Constantly antisipating
The day that you will notice
that I'm there

I write a song
I write the song
Of bleeding hearts bleeding hearts

When it's over said and done
Me heart is gone
The bleeding stops
The song is done

I write a song
I write the song
Of bleeding hearts bleeding hearts

I hope you see my bleeding heart

No angels here

2006-11-13T10:16:14Z

Bloody roses tattered clothes
a battered body and weakend soul
just painful memories ripping at my heart

I try to scream but there's no sound
nothing but darkness all around
painful emotions tearing me apart

Deep within depths of my soul
I fear I'm losing all control
I try to gain but in the end
I just let go

I can feel the darkness
It's consuming
everthing that ever was me

Screaming, screaming
Help me, help me

Where did all the angelsgo

There are none
no angels here
no angels here

Where did all the angels go

There are none

cause some places even angels just won't go

I feel myself slipping away
It seems the darkness is here to stay

I tried but I just can't get away

But in the end it doesn't matter
Guess it never really mattered

Cause in the end who cared anyway

Calling, calling
Save me, save me

Where did all the angels go

There are none
no angels here
no angels here

Where did all the angels go

There are none

Cause some places even angels just won't go

Screaming, screaming there's no sound,
Nothing but darkness all around

Calling, calling
Help me help me Please

Won't someone come and rescue me

Where did all the angels go

There are none
no angels here
no angels here

Where did all the angels go

There are none
no angels here
no angels here

Cause some places even angels just won't go

Bloody roses, tattered clothes
A battered body and weakend soul

Cause some places even angels just don't go...

Dying

2006-11-10T08:57:55Z

In my dream [nightmare] I was stuck in a school I used to go to. I was in class with a boy [he was really Kawai] at was kinda rude and mean. I talked to him, and we had common interests. He was only nice to me for whatever reason. In any case school let out, and I tried to follow him outside of the class room, but he teacher wouldn't let me leave. He said if I went out that way then I would die. More specifically "they'll kill you". Anyways so he showed me a back door, and I saw an area that used to be my street, but now it was just darkness, like a fukai mori. [Deep forest] It had a dark castle on the farside, that everyone was to scared to go in, because it was over come with darkness. When I went out into the hall I saw the boy from the class being dragged into a dorm room, that I hadn't even known was there. I listend at the door and heard struggling, and when I went in he was dead.The 2 boys had slashed his wrists, but they weren't in the room. When I turned around I saw them. I asked why they killed him, and they said it was because he deserved it. After that they just disapeared though. I guess faded is more appropriate. For whatever reason I was sad when he died. I felt like I had a strong connesction to him, like he was a close friend, and now I would never see him again. I wanted to cry. I saw my sister and brother, and the said that my dad came to get us. I went to follow them, and they walked out of the school when I couldn't. It was a man blocking the doorway. I think he was russian. I turned to run the other way, but I couldn't move. I was paralyzed, and had somehow ended up on the floor. I used my arms to crawl to the other side. I tried to stand up, but I couldn't because I was so numb. When I got to the other side I saw another man. He bent over, and asked me why the boy died. I tried to explain it to him but it came out as more of a chocked sob. He grbbed my wrists, and I tried to pull away. All I could think was that he was gonna break my arms. He grabbed my arm saying he wouldn't hurt me, then felt my pulse, and started asking me what happend. I guess he was checking my pulse, to see if I had been lying. I calmed down so I could answer better, then he helped me up. I remember going home after that, and lying down in bed to go to sleep. I woke up and they told me that my best friend Joanna had died. Naturally I was in denial, and said that it was all a lie things like that. I went the rest of the day completely calm, asking why she had died. It didn't make since. It didn't really kick in until I went to the bathroom and saw her straightning iron, then I remember that I broke down crying. I saw a flash, then I was my cousins apartment complex. It was dark out, and around the time that people usually started shooting outside. My cousins friend kept asking me to get something for her. I was hesitant at first, then I went to go get it. I was about half way there, when they tried to shoot at me. I ran back to where Tina's apt. should have been but instead it was a couch, and her table. I hid on the ground under one of the cushions. I could here people screaming and getting shot, but I wasn't scared, I was just hiding. A man came up from behind, and shot the other guy that was sitting behind me, but he didn't shoot me. He just turned the other way, and started yelling about how they were gonna take over. I remember that they told me my mom had died at home but didn't say why. All I know was that when I really did wake up I didn't wanna get out of bed, because I thought the dream was real, and I was afraid to walk out of my room and find that my mom my best friend, and that boy really was dead. I was crying when I woke up and my head hurt. I want to cry just thinking about it.

Boring day

2006-11-06T23:37:27Z

I was sleep alllllllllllllllllday and I am soooooo effin bored man. On the upside I got to eat my moms french vanilla but shhhhh don't tell but whatever.

Evil emo ghost bunnies

2006-11-06T08:07:04Z

Yesterday we all played this really cool game in my room. We would put blindfolds over our eyes and try and find the other people in the room. It was really cool. Hehehe. Anyways you can like hear things and smell things way better when you can's see. I know cool right hehehehe. So yeah then me and My bestest dorkiest friend Joanna were like up and stuff talking about apperitions and excorcisms and crap. Some1 [we don't know] was like messin with my doorknob, and She almost sqeezed me to death. Gosh I feel soooo 'safe' around her. Not. Anyways today My back went out. I was in horrible pain and all Jennifer and Joanna could say was I supposedly get conveniently sick on Sundays, like it's really my fault. I was beyond offended. I'm in excruciating pain, and all they can say is how I always get sick on sundays. Huh Bithches. And I baked them cookies. And you know what my back still hurts.

Used

2006-11-01T01:30:43Z

You know what I don't even care anymore. I already knew that once Joanna started dating again we would get kicked to the curb like usual. I mean I want her to be happy and every thing but I just really cannot deal with her at all right now. I'm s'posed to be like her best friend or whatever, and I'm always there when she need some1 to talk to. I guess I just exspected to be more than just the temporary replacement ya know. She break up with her boyfriend she come to me and Jennifer for consolance, but than she gets a new one and treat us like whatever, for absolutly no reason. Maybe if she can just treat me like that then I'm not as good a friend as I thought. I mean I try to be nice and make conversation, and she says I'm embarresing her and to stop being stupid. Everytime I do or say something she alwayz give me evil glares, or say that I'm evil. I know she try to include us but when she does, but then when she does it's like she expect us to just be quite in the back seat and not do or say anything, which is the vibe I'm getting from her. I can't hang with her and her boyfriend at the same time, or her period if she gonna treat me/us like that. It's not fair to me that I have to be the one that's there for her when she needs me, but just basically not care the rest of the time. I kinda no how she feel when Amsay treated her like that, cause she's doing the same thing to us, and it hurts. What the hell am I supposed to do when my supposed best friend is treating me like shit.